How do I meet “the one”? (not what you think)

As a singles and relationship expert and coach, the clients I coach tend to feel the same way about being in a relationship. They often express, "I am so ready to meet my person." However, the real mystery is why haven’t they met their life partner yet? These women are successful, high-vibe, and have a ton of love ready to pour into a relationship, but they keep attracting men who do not desire to commit to them. What is happening?

It’s simple – they are settling. You might be reading this right now and thinking, "Wait, I am one of those women, and I have standards." And maybe you do have them, but my guess is they are either a list of dream desires or a list of red flags to never date again. Either way, neither of them are actual standards, and either way, you are more than likely not holding them as high as you should be. Hear me out. Let’s start with WHY DO WE SETTLE?

Why do we settle?

First, we settle because we are told to, especially as women from day one. The societal expectation to settle starts at a young age, and it happens in a way that we don’t even realize we are being trained to settle. It starts off with childhood fairytales. You go through some hardship in your life, and then a handsome prince comes into your life, saves the day, and whisks you off to live happily ever after in the castle on the hill. We are officially sold on the dream. Now the real conditioning begins. We are told through every magazine, every movie, and from organized religion that all our value lies in someone marrying us and having children. After the fairytales, they start to create fear in our bodies with the tales of "getting too old," being alone with the cats, and even in the self-development world, suggesting that only when you love yourself will you be good enough to be loved by somebody else.

So, the older we get and we haven’t met the one, we either settle because they told us that we will finally have value once we are in a relationship, or we settle on being alone because we have accepted our fate to never be loved for who we are unless we settle. Oh, what a hamster wheel we live on.

The second reason we settle is born out of the belief that we will not have enough time or there won't be enough options to find love and become a wife and a mother, and that is fear. Fear is a powerful force, urging us to choose security over our true desires. Scarcity amplifies this, making us believe that opportunities are limited, and time is running out. The scarcity mindset can drive us to do a lot of settling. We will settle for the bare minimum; we will settle for a life of resentfulness; we will settle for competing against each other for the lack of resources. Even in the fairy tales, there is only one prince, and Cinderella and her stepsisters have to “compete” for the one prince. The fear of not being chosen sets in at a very young age. That fear immediately creates a pattern of never feeling “good enough,” and there are two ways that we will respond to this fear. We will become hyper-independent and never have to face that question of  “am I good enough”, or we will settle for the bare minimum and know that at least I will not end up alone and without value. 

I do want to take a moment to speak to the women who are settling with men who are not meeting their needs but feel this will stop them from being alone. Two things happen because most of the time this decision is made from an energy of lack or scarcity, you will trigger an anxiety or an avoidant attachment to your partner. The anxious attachment will over extend and live in a body of anxiety that will constantly be in a wave of trying to force connection and intimacy with someone. An avoidant will create a relationship with a partner that can look and feel apathetic. 

The third reason we settle is when we “like, love, or are really attracted to someone”. I get it; you are reading this and thinking, "that is exactly what we want, correct? Love?" Actually, when we feel that “chemistry” with someone or they are very attractive to us, we confuse genuine love with neurologically induced dopamine hits. Individuals find themselves settling for less than they deserve in the name of love. As a singles and relationship coach, I have observed a lot of women throw half their standards out the window because she really loves the man she is with, even though he makes her cry every day, rarely asks her about her needs, or doesn’t show her attention on a regular basis.  Love, as we often perceive it, can be deceiving. It's crucial to differentiate between healthy love and mere chemical reactions that momentarily satisfy our desires.

I am ready to meet “the one”, how do I stop settling?

To achieve this, you need to get to  know yourself by  shedding all the societal demands of a woman.  Let go of fear and scarcity, and gain clarity on what a healthy relationship looks like for you, beyond just chemistry and physical attraction. Instead romanticize your life,  by viewing love as a space to actualize your deepest desires. Love becomes the stage where you are the main character, living out the fantasy that aligns with your heart's true desires—not the narrative dictated by society, your parents, or your religion. 

This is the intention of my online course, The Man Menu. It's the foundation to stop settling and start to desire partnership again from a place of abundance and alignment. In The Man Menu we get clear on your desires and  help you build self worth through knowing our offer. The Man Menu online course was designed to help you break through all the old stories around love and attract healthy relationships in your life. 

In conclusion, meeting "the one" begins with meeting yourself first. Connect with your heart's truest desires and let that authentic version of yourself guide you. By aligning with your vision for "the one," you naturally attract men who resonate with you and your heart.